


Mischief Managed

by FluffyPizzaPie



Series: Fixit Series [3]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Fixit is Far Too Easily Bored, Knock Out and Starscream Are Such Easy Targets, Nothing But Pranks, Spans All Fixit Fics, Steve is Head Minion, The Author Regrets Nothing, poor him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-02-13 16:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12987498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyPizzaPie/pseuds/FluffyPizzaPie
Summary: [Fixit]Set before Airachnid arrives, but after Breakdown loses an optic to MECH.





	1. Psychic Powers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Fixit]  
> Set before Airachnid arrives, but after Breakdown loses an optic to MECH.  
> 

Knock Out rolled his optics discreetly as Starscream continued to rant. Honestly, the mech was acting like it was the end of the world.

“Are you even listening to me, Knock Out!?” the Seeker screeched indignantly.

“Nope.”

“WHAT!?! You dare ignore-”

“So Fixit turned you into a fleshy runway model, so what? It’s not the end of the world,” KO said dismissively, turning back to his work. “Besides, you don’t have any evidence it was him.”

“No one ever has evidence it was Fixit,” Starscream sulked, crossing his arms as he leaned against the table.

Knock Out paused. “True,” he admitted. “Fixit’s very good at removing all evidence of his involvement, even though everyone knows it’s his fault.”

“What I want to know is how he manages to have such flawless alibis! Frag, the average amount of time dedicated to them is at least seven cycles, if not more! Cycles where he had to have been setting up his chaos, but no one ever finds any evidence whatsoever until the slagging thing is set off and his alibi has been firmly established!”

“And as far as I can tell, no one- except maybe Lazerbeak from time to time- is covering for his absence!” KO turned from his work to commiserate with Creamer. “Frag, I’ve even stalked him non-stop for thirteen cycles, and he still somehow set up and unleashed a prank without me catching even so much as a hint of his activities! I have no idea how the frag he does it! No one does!”

“Except Lazerbeak, and therefore, Soundwave,” the Seeker said sourly, scowling at the ground.

Knock Out snorted. “Like anyone would ever be stupid enough to accuse him.”

“Hmm…” Starscream hummed absentmindedly in agreement, a thoughtful frown appearing on his face.

The red doctor huffed in irritation at his companion’s distraction, but just shook his helm and decided to get back to work.

Only for Starscream to interrupt him almost immediately. “…oh, frag.”

KO’s shoulders sagged in resignation. “What is it, Herr Commandant?” he asked tiredly, setting his tool down.

“Knock Out…Fixit has psychic powers.”

Pause.

“No, really!” the Seeker insisted at the medic’s flat, incredulous look. “Think about it! He always sets it up without being detected, always sets it off without anything that could be used to trigger the pranks-”

“He could just be using timers…”

“He can’t predict everything, and he always picks the perfect moment to set it off, the moment in which it will cause as much chaos as possible!”

Knock Out vented heavily, turning to fully face the pacing SIC.

“He always mutters about modifications he has to make, modifications that then show up without him ever leaving view! Obviously, that means he is at the very least telepathic, so he can communicate with Lazerbeak, if not telekinetic, which means he does it himself!”

“One- there is such a thing as comms. Two- you realize you sound utterly insane, right?”

“It all makes perfect sense!” Starscream continued to rant, ignoring the medic, who wore a look of _I-cannot-believe-you-are-this-stupid-I-am-so-totally-done-with-this._ It was a very expressive look, for something that showed very little emotion. “It also explains why Soundwave won’t rat him out! Psychics stick together, there’s so few of them that they have to protect each other or risk going extinct!”

Rubbing his helm, KO turned and began walking away as the doors to medbay slid open.

“Knock Out!” Fixit cried happily, throwing his arms in the air as he bounced through the doorway, dragging an unfortunate Roomba behind him.

Starscream yelped in fright, jumping back behind a table. The entire room just paused, turning to stare at him incredulously, but he was too focused on Fixit to notice.

“…KO?”

“…yes?”

“What the frag is wrong with Creamer?” Fixit frowned in mild concern. Like frag she wanted her favorite target hurt or otherwise incapacitated in some way. By anyone but her, that is.

“Many things, my Apprentice. Many things.”

“Knock Out, get away from him! Quickly!” Creamer gestured frantically, slowly edging towards the door.

Fixit gave KO a baffled glance. The red doctor vented in irritation.

“He’s convinced-”

“Don’t tell him!”

“-you have psychic powers.”

The Eradicon stared as Starscream wailed “Now he’s going to offline us all!” in the background.

“…psychic powers.”

“Yep.”

“Psychic. Powers.”

“Yes Fixit, I said that already.”

“Well that’s just ridiculous!” the medical Apprentice exclaimed, making a dismissive gesture.

And then a chair shot backwards across the room away from his servo.

Everyone stared. Then, slowly, they turned to Fixit.

He vented, propping a servo on his hip. “Well, frag. I guess I’ve been found out.”

“…you have psychic powers?” Knock Out breathed, staring at his Apprentice in horror.

“I told you so!” Starscream exclaimed, only to quiet when Fixit glanced at him.

“Alas, my cover has been blown. I cannot terrorize you in secret any longer. Whatever shall I do?” the Eradicon tossed his helm back dramatically, a servo resting on his forehelm. “Oh wait, I know.” His optical band brightened abruptly, making KO and Creamer gulp. “I’ll just terrorize you in public instead!”

Knock Out and Starscream glanced at each other…and then ran screaming from the room, Fixit’s maniacal laughter following them.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” he cackled in glee.

 

Steve stared blankly at the corridor the two officers had run down. “…do you have psychic powers?”

“No, of course not, don’t be ridiculous,” Fixit said dismissively, striding over to grab the chair and put it back. “But who am I to dissuade them from thinking otherwise?”

“Then how did you…?”

“Nice timing, guys!”

The Vehicon glanced back to see the Eradicon congratulating Ravage and Lazerbeak, who had crawled out from under the desk the chair was at. “Oh.”

 

Starscream and Knock Out huddled in an out-of-the-way closet in terror.

“What are we going to do!?” Creamer wailed quietly.

“We’re so fragged,” KO sobbed into his servos.

 

Megatron scowled. “Where are those worthless slaggers!?”

“I believe they’re currently cowering in fear in a supply closet, sir,” repressed amusement could clearly be heard in Fixit’s voice as he walked onto the bridge.

“What did you do now,” Breakdown groaned, covering his one good optic with his servo.

“Amusingly enough, nothing besides playing along. Somehow, they’ve convinced themselves I have ‘psychic powers.’”

“Psychic powers,” Breaks said flatly, expressing the sentiments of everyone on the bridge.

“Yep.”

“And why, exactly, would this terrify them into hiding in a closet like sparklings?” Megatron inquired dangerously.

“…I’m not entirely sure, but…I think they think that my ‘psychic powers,’” the entire bridge could hear the quotation marks, “are how I manage to pull off all my pranks.”

“…are they?”

Soundwave, Megatron, and Fixit all turned to stare mildly incredulously at Breakdown and the Roombas behind him.

“…no. Because I don’t have psychic powers. I wouldn’t have to do nearly as much work if I actually was psychic…”

Megatron vented irritably. He was surrounded by idiots.

 

“That’s it!” Starscream snapped, standing as upright as he could in the cramped space. “I refuse to let Fixit win!”

“We’re gonna die, we’re gonna die-”

“Knock Out, stop cowering and help me think of a way to end his Reign of Terror!”

KO paused in his panicking. “…we just found out Fixit’s psychic…and you want to try and take out Megatron?”

“…no, you moron,” Creamer facepalmed. “We’re going to stop Fixit.”

“Oh.”

“…”

“…well, I feel stupid now.”

Starscream just vented in despair.

 

“How long are you going to draw this out?” Breakdown asked curiously.

“Not very,” Fixit said dismissively, unaware of Megatron turning his helm slightly to listen in. “I’m gonna tell Creamer and KO next time I seem them that it was a prank. Their fear’s amusing, but it’s cutting into their ability to work and we can’t have that.”

The Warlord raised one brow. Interesting. That was not what he had expected to hear, judging by the Eradicon’s reputation.

 

“…are you sure this will work?”

“Of course! I looked it up on the humans’ data network- they have far more psychics to deal with than we do. Especially rogue psychics.”

“…it clashes horribly with my paint…”

“Do you want to end Fixit’s Reign of Terror or not?!”

“…fine…”

 

“Fixit!”

“Hey Cream- what.” The Eradicon just…stared. Starscream was pointing a long, thin pipe at her like a sword, whilst Knock Out cowered behind him, using an extra panel of flooring as a shield. But that wasn’t why she was staring. 

Oh no.

She was staring because they were both wearing clearly improvised tinfoil armor. Ridiculous-looking tinfoil armor.

“We have come to put an end to your Reign of Terror, foul beast!” Starscream proclaimed dramatically, his tinfoil hat wobbling dangerously on his helm. “No longer shall you frighten us into submission! Now is our time to rise!”

Stare.

“Yes! The neutralizing effects of the tinfoil are beginning to take its toll on the beast! Knock Out, commence with phase two!”

The red doctor gave the needle full of liquefied tinfoil in his servo a dubious look as Fixit continued to just stare. “…I don’t think this will work…”

“Well, it certainly won’t work if you don’t use it! Inject him already, and free us from his Reign!”

Stare.

“But what if it hurts him?”

Stare.

“That’s the point, you idiot! Stab him!”

Stare.

“What!? No! I’m not going to hurt my Apprentice! Why would I go through all the trouble of teaching him just to turn around and risk him forgetting what he’s learned by hurting him!?”

The doors opened behind them as Steve walked in. The tinfoiled-ones continued on obliviously.

“The psychic powers are part of him, we can’t get rid of them without hurting him!”

The Vehicon looked from Starscream and Knock Out…to Fixit…and back…and forth…and back…and forth…

“But…isn’t there any other way?”

Fixit gave Steve a meaningful look. He reset his optical band…and cackled.

“Alas…I fear there is not. But rest easy, the removal of his powers shall not offline him. It’ll merely make him suffer greatly for the rest of his miserable life.”

Steve sauntered past the still-oblivious officers and hid himself behind a pile of scrap, otherwise known as ammunition.

“The rest of his-!?”

Fixit leaned back against the desk, bringing one pede up to rest on the edge of her stool as she wrapped her arms around her knee.

“He deserves it.”

“He doesn’t-!”

“Knock Out. That-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named.”

“…”

“…”

“…Fixit! Get over here and let me inject you!”

“Sorry, KO,” the Eradicon drawled casually as the doctor warily (and wrathfully) approached her. “But I enjoy abusing my powers far too much to give them up. Ta-ta!”

She began flicking her servo as Steve started chucking scrap randomly from out of sight, causing the Tinfoil Crusaders to scream like little girls and flee for their lives.

 

“Well, that failed miserably. What now, Herr Commandant?”

“…we keep trying. What else can we do?”

 

“Attack!” Starscream screeched, leaping out from behind the startled Roombas, who supposedly hadn’t realized he was there. Knock Out followed him reluctantly.

Fixit, without looking away from the Vehicon she was repairing, swept her servo dramatically. Oversized neon marbles spilled across the floor from out of nowhere, making the Tinfoil Crusaders shriek as they lost their balance and fell heavily. They beat a hasty (albeit clumsy) retreat.

The Eradicon snickered and high-fived the Roombas as Knock Out’s wails over his ruined paint faded into the distance. Subspaces were so useful…

 

“This isn’t working.”

“No frag, Creamer. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to fetch Breakdown’s assistance in buffing out these scratches-”

“Knock Out, you’re a genius!”

“…what?”

 

Breakdown slowly reset his optic, staring blankly at the twitchy tinfoiled mechs in front of him.

“You want me…to join you.”

“Yes! We need all the allies we can get, if we want to take out the Sith Lord of Terror-”

“Ohfragherehecomesrun!”

“AAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

The blue mech stared incredulously after the fleeing mechs.

“Hey Breaks, what up?”

“…Fixit?”

“Yeah?”

“…I want in,” the orange-faced mech grinned evilly. It was time for some petty revenge on his partner.

 

“You’re back from your scouting mission already, Herr Commandant?”

“…Knock Out…”

“…what is it? What’s wrong?”

The Tinfoil Commander grasped his medic’s shoulders. “I’m-”

“Watch the paint!”

“-so sorry, but…the Sith Lord has indoctrinated Breakdown into his ranks. He is now an enemy.”

Knock Out fell to his knees in grief and terror. “No…”

Starscream hardened his resolve. “We will bring Darth Fixit down, no matter the cost!”

 

Fixit idly skipped back and forth, occasionally gesturing with wide sweeps of her arms to trigger a (hidden) attack from either Breakdown, Lazerbeak, the Toaster, and/or the Roombas. Knock Out and Starscream doggedly kept after her, in spite of how banged up they were getting.

The Eradicon danced by Soundwave in the halls, waving cheerfully at him as she passed. The Tinfoil Crusaders followed moments later…only to fall flat on their faceplates as the one of the TIC’s tentacles swiftly swept their pedes out from under them.

Soundwave continued calmly on his way to the sound of Fixit’s delighted laughter, giving no outward signs that he had anything to do with their fall.

(The Tinfoil Crusaders wisely decided to retreat in the face of overwhelming odds. And they weren’t running away from Fixit’s mad laughter, no, of course not, what do you mean?)

 

The cycles passed by, and the Tinfoil Crusaders grew ever more desperate (and paranoid).

Fixit and her army of ‘psychic minions’ began coming up with more and more elaborate plots.

Megatron was torn between mad laughter and utter frustration at his SIC and medic’s antics. Even he couldn’t deny that they had brought this on themselves.

 

Starscream and Knock Out twitched their ways through setting up booby traps for Fixit…

…never noticing the two symbionts sneaking behind them, disabling everything they set up mere nano-klicks after they turned their backs.

 

Every attempt at gaining an ally ended in failure, as the Sith Lord of Terror indoctrinated everyone they talked to into his ranks…and eventually, even those they didn’t talk to.

 

Resorting to desperate measures, the Tinfoil Crusaders began setting up arcane rituals everywhere, and carrying holy water and salt with them at all times.

(Fixit had hysterics when Soundwave notified her of this. Breakdown and the Roombas didn’t get it. Megatron just leaned his face against his servo, torn between amusement and exasperation.)

 

“FragfragfragfragfragI’mnotgoingtogetthereintimefragfragfrag-” Steve chanted as he ran through the halls, attempting to reach his position before Fixit and the unknowingly-herded Tinfoil Crusaders reached the trap. “Frag!” He was too late, they were already there, he couldn’t get across the room without being seen, oh frag that was his cue-

The long pipe, with its dangerously sharpened end, flew across the room to skim the tops of Starscream and Knock Out’s helm, spearing their tinfoil hats against the wall. They shrieked in terror, desperately covering their helms with their servos, and ran for their lives.

The entire room burst out laughing as the door shut behind them.

“Nice throw, Steve!” Fixit cackled, honestly impressed. “Great improvisation! That was way better than the original plan!”

“That wasn’t me…” he said slowly.

“Why thank you, Fixit,” Megatron said calmly as he walked across the room to retrieve his makeshift spear, secretly reveling in his subordinates’ reactions as they all froze in shock. “It was a bit spur-of-the-moment, I must admit…but I did so enjoy throwing it at Starscream’s helm.”

Hefting the spear in his arm, he turned and walked out…to the sound of thunderous applause and wild cheering, led by the crazy Eradicon medic.

“MEG-A-TRON!!! MEG-A-TRON!!! MEG-A-TRON!!!”

 

“This isn’t working!!!” Knock Out hissed, twitching madly as he looked around jumpily.

“You think I haven’t noticed that!?!” Starscream snarled back at the beat-up doctor as they stood back-to-back in the closet. After all, they had no way of knowing when or where the next attack would come from.

 

“Fixit.”

“Sir?” the Eradicon came to attention as she stood on the bridge plotting with Lazerbeak, Breakdown, and Steve.

“Since Starscream and Knock Out are currently…indisposed…I am sending you after the next relic. Do not fail me,” Megatron warned the Apprentice Medic, keeping his attention on the screens around his TIC. To his mild horror, he had found himself becoming slightly…fond…of the utterly crazy, yet undeniably loyal and efficient mech.

“Sir yes sir!”

 

“The Sith Lord of Terror has been dispatched on a mission for Megatron,” Starscream whispered to the only vaguely-red medic as he returned from his foray into enemy territory. “Now is our chance.”

 

Fixit hummed thoughtfully as she peeked over the cliff at the Autobots. So the relic was somewhere back in that cave, huh…?

She slid back down to her one personally-picked Eradicon Roomba. “Okay Greg, here’s the plan…”

 

“Why am I always bait?” GR-3G whined, peering around the corner.

“Because you’re one of the best evasive fliers on the Nemesis. Now suck it up and get out there!” Fixit clapped him on the shoulder and then promptly disappeared into the dusk, heading towards the cave.

“I hate my life…” Greg sulked, but obediently took off and let off a couple of wild shots towards the Autobots. “Die, Autoscum!”

 

Inside the cavern, Optimus Prime and Bulkhead had just unburied the clearly-broken relic when they heard the sounds of battle from outside.

“Go,” Optimus nodded at his soldier. “I will be right behind you.”

“You got it, boss,” Bulkhead nodded, running on ahead.

The Prime picked up the relic carefully…and then spun at a noise behind him, drawing his sword. He surveyed the cavern carefully, but couldn’t find anything. The relic in his servo shifted slightly, drawing his attention to…a rock the same size and weight as the relic!?! Optimus spun around in confusion, dropping the rock in the process. “Who’s there?! Show yourself!!!” he commanded.

A quiet, deep chuckle, along with a winged shadow holding the silhouette of the relic falling over him, were his only answers. Optimus charged along the tunnel leading out, but the shadow disappeared completely, leaving him to stumble out into his soldiers firing at a Decepticon jet drone. A jet drone that was quite clearly taunting them with its elaborate maneuvers through the skies.

Suddenly, a second drone shot into the sky from off to the left, carrying the broken relic beneath it. The two drones roared off into the distance swiftly, nimbly dodging the futile shots fired after them by the Autobots.

 

“I hate being bait,” Greg grumbled to himself as Fixit just continued cackling madly about the video he had taken. Apparently the crazy mech had pulled a good one on the Prime.

They passed through the Groundbridge, Fixit’s cackling not abating in the slightest.

 

“Well?” Megatron asked, turning to face the Eradicon medic with one brow raised.

Fixit grimaced, producing the utterly-slagged relic. “The relic was retrieved successfully, sir. Unfortunately…it was already broken long before anyone got there.”

The former gladiator snarled in frustration. “Slag it. Do you have any idea what it is…was?”

Fixit cocked her helm as she heard Starscream and Knock Out huddle by the door to the bridge. And then a grin spread over her face.

**:No clue, sir. It’s far too broken for that.:** Fixit said over the comm, even as she said out loud “It…appears to remove psychic powers. Sir.”

Megatron stared at her for a long moment. “…it removes psychic powers,” he deadpanned.

“…yes sir.”

“…and you know this…how?” he asked, a hint of amusement creeping into his tone.

The Eradicon scowled. “Because apparently it had just enough juice left to remove my abilities before short-circuiting. Sir,” she muttered faux-irritably, shoulders shaking in repressed laughter.

The entire bridge muffled laughter as they heard the Tinfoil Crusaders wail “OH THANK PRIMUS, WE’RE SAVED!!!” as they broke down sobbing.

Megatron’s lips twitched as he fought to keep his face straight. It was a battle both he and Fixit were losing, although the Eradicon was fairing far worse than he.

“Well then…” he drawled, amusement shining in his optics as the Apprentice Medic covered her mouth with her servo. “…I suppose I’ll have to keep it away from Soundwave. Just in case.”

They both snorted in unison at the sound of Starscream and Knock Out squeaking in terror…

…and then a loud clang rang out as they both glitched into the doorway, unable to take the strain any longer.

Laughter won the battle as the entire bridge burst into hysterics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This just popped into my head one day and refused to leave. Not that I tried very hard, since it’s hilarious. I had far too much fun writing this.  
> Oh, and FYI, the relic she retrieved is made-up. The Decepticons don’t do anything with it because it’s broken beyond all recognition.


	2. The Macarena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Fixit.  
> Set before the beginning of TF: Prime.

“Sooooooo booooorrrrrred,” Fixit whined, spinning on his stool. The mech had modified the seat to spin specifically to annoy Knock Out, which amused Breakdown to no end. It was so entertaining to watch his partner and his Apprentice constantly try to one-up the other, whether it be through banter or pranks. Knock Out had just successfully pulled off a prank (no one on the Nemesis would ever be able to look at whipped cream the same way ever again), so that meant it was Fixit’s turn to pull a prank. And while KO might be pretty creative, he had nothing on Fixit. (Mentioning anything to do with the human tradition of Valentine’s Day was forbidden. Everyone had enthusiastically approved that- even Soundwave.)

“If you’re that bored, go find something to entertain yourself wi- wait no, I didn’t mean that!” Knock Out cried in alarm, just realizing what he had said. But he was too late, Fixit was already out the door with an excited “whoo!” echoing back to them.

“…we’re so slagged,” Breakdown whispered in horror.

“What have I done!?” Knock Out wailed.

 

Fixit hadn’t been seen in three cycles. By anyone.

Now, normally a drone not being seen for a couple of cycles wasn’t usually a cause for concern. But this was Fixit. And Fixit disappearing- with Knock Out’s (unintentional!) permission to pull a prank- was a Very Bad Thing. The entirety of the Nemesis was on edge.

Starscream and Knock Out had been organizing search parties almost non-stop since Fixit had vanished to try and stop the Eradicon before he could initiate his (evil, horrible) plans. The Seeker had almost considered ordering Soundwave back from the mines ahead of schedule, but production had already been behind schedule even before Fixit vanished, so he resigned himself to leaving Soundwave at the mine. So resigned, Starscream and Knock Out had promptly begun panicking in earnest because there was no way in the Pit that they would be able to catch Fixit without Soundwave’s help.

Breakdown was sure that after the fact (way, way after), this prank would undoubtedly be amusing. Fixit had learned from the Valentine’s Day Incident (more commonly known as “That-Which-Shall-Never-Be-Spoken-Of-Again”) what things were funny and what was just traumatizing. Mostly. It was possible this would be another trauma to add to the list, which was why Starscream and Knock Out were freaking so badly.

And as it turned out, they were right to panic. Exhausted from all the panicking, everyone finally went into recharge six cycles after Fixit had disappeared. After all, if he hadn’t done anything by now, surely he wasn’t going to anything?

Oh, how wrong they were.

When Breakdown onlined his optics at the beginning of the next cycle, he was greeted by the sight of bright orange. He reset his optics just to be sure they were working correctly. Yep, still bright orange. Rolling over, he poked Knock Out awake.

“Mrrph…what, Breaks?” the red mech said sleepily.

“Fixit has struck.”

Knock Out lay there for a moment longer before he actually processed what Breakdown had said. The moment he realized, he shot up from the berth, his optics widening in horror at their surroundings.

 

“Make it stop!” one of the Vehicons wailed, servos over its audios. Nobody heard him over the blaring disco music. 

Fixit had somehow managed to, in one cycle, without anyone catching him:

**1\. Paint the entirety of the Nemesis’ interior bright neon orange.**

**2\. Feed a virus into the ship that caused it to play human disco music non-stop.**

**3\. Convert every floor on the Nemesis into a disco dance floor,** complete with lights flashing in squares under their feet and a disco ball on every corner, so there wasn’t one area not lit.

It was driving everyone out of their processors. The last time Breakdown had seen Starscream, the Seeker had been beating his helm against the wall repeatedly- in time with the music. Breakdown had tactfully decided not to mention that little fact to the SIC.

Knock Out was stalking the halls, revving his saw with a manic grin on his face. Breakdown trailed behind him, careful not to attract his attention, but ready to step in if the medic decided to randomly attack somebot. 

And then suddenly, the music stopped. Everyone froze. Was it over? But alas, the music started up again…only this time, it was one song- on repeat. Knock Out snarled in frustration as he vowed to offline his Apprentice the next time he saw him.

Breakdown twitched, also irritated. What the slag was a “Macarena?”

 


	3. Darth Fixit Gains a "Lightsaber"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set between chapters 30 and 31 of Fixit.

“Steve! SteveSteveSteveSteveSteveSteveSteveSteve-”

“What.”

Fixit beamed at him.

“No.”

“But you don’t even know-”

“No.”

“But you-”

“No.”

“But-”

“No.”

“Steve-”

“No.”

“I don’t-”

“No.”

“Please!”

“…”

“…”

“…no.”

“Steve!”

 

“…remind me why I agreed to this again?”

“You didn’t. I blackmailed you.”

“Ah.”

“Okay, now, put this on!”

“…”

“…”

“…where the frag did you find this much brown fabric?”

“Steve?”

“…yes?”

“Just put it on.”

“…yes sir.”

 

“…that’s…a lot of face paint, sir.”

“Yes. Yes it is.”

 

“And now, the piece de resistance!”

Steve shrieked in horror.

“What?”

“What the frag, sir!?! How did you-!?”

“I walked in and took it.”  
.

.

.

“…don’t worry, I’ll put it back after my shift.”

.

.

.

“…Steve?”

“…I give up.”

“Yes! This is going to be the one of the most awesome epic things in the history of awesomeness!”

 

Fixit bounced onto the bridge for her night shift supervising Roombas.

The Vehicons on duty did a double take. What the frag?!

“Don’t mind me,” she proclaimed cheerfully from under her dark hood. “I’m just preemptively staving off boredom. Now then-”

She swung round with a dramatic swirl of her cloak, pulling the Dark Star Saber off her back and pointing it at the entrance to the bridge.

“Show your face, you cowardly Hutt!”

“…”

“Steve, that’s your cue!” she hissed, holding her pose even as her arm started to tremble from the effort of holding up the massive sword.

“…”

“Steve. Squirrels.”

There came a deep, heavy vent, and Steve moved into view, dressed in a Jedi robe and carrying a fake glowing Star Saber.

“Your foul plan shall not succeed Darth Fixit,” the Vehicon monotoned, obviously an unwilling accomplice.

“Hah!” Fixit sneered, letting her sword drop and artfully turning its momentum into a neat twirl move that ended with it braced against her shoulder. Somehow, her hood also had gotten swept off, revealing elaborate red and black face paint mimicking Darth Maul’s. “And who’s going to stop me, Jedi Steve? You? Ha!”

“Even if I fall in battle today any victory you may achieve will be only temporary for the Force shall never stand for your injustice.”

“Bold words, for a Jedi. Let’s see if you can back them up!”

Steve stared blankly as Fixit shifted into an offensive stance, doing a marvelous job of pretending she wasn’t wielding a sword larger and heavier than she was.

“…”

“…Steve, that’s your cue!”

He vented again, trudging forwards slowly as he reluctantly drew his sword…and promptly tripped over his cloak.

He yelped as he went helm first off the edge of the platform, Fixit just missing his servo as she lunged. The Vehicon managed to twist and land on his pedes, though they slipped out from under him, leaving him lying on his back, staring up at worried dark scarlet optics.

“Steve, are you okay?”

“F-fine,” he hastened to reassure her, considering she looked ready to jump down after him. “I’m fine. Good to go.”

“…you sure?”

“Yep, peachy. And, um…you have fallen into the trap, foolish Sith!”

“…oh really? And what would a Jedi-” her deep voice was positively dripping with scorn “-know about setting traps?”

“I was not the one who set the trap. You were the one to do that,” Steve said resignedly, standing up as Fixit swept down the stairs dramatically.

“I was, was I? Well then, Jedi, care to explain to me just what the trap is?”

“…no.”

Fixit paused. “What?”

“You are my enemy, a Sith Lord. Jedi though I may be, I’m not stupid.”

“…sure you’re not.”

“I’m not!”

“Poor little Jedi, living in delusion…”

“I am not-!”

Steve froze as she suddenly brought the Dark Star Saber up to hover just under his chin.

“Foolish Jedi,” she chuckled. “One should never allow oneself to be distracted from the task at hand. Any last words?”

He glared. “Just this-”

Fixit made a little slashing motion with the sword, careful not to actually hit Steve. “Too late! Ta-ta, Jedi Steve. You shall not be missed.”

She turned to walk off, but paused as Steve just stood there. 

“Steve, you’re dead, die!”

“Oh, right.”

Darth Fixit swept back up the steps as her foe died an overly-dramatic death behind her. She stalked onto the platform, returning the Dark Star Saber to her back and resting her fists on her hips.

“And now, no one can stop me!”

She broke out into truly impressive evil laughter, her voice ringing through the bridge and covering up the semi-hysterical snickers of the Roombas on duty.


	4. It's Hard to be Humble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set sometime before the first episode of TF:P.

>   
>  “Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble,  
>  when you’re perfect in every way,”  
> 

 

Fixit hummed idly to herself as she meandered down the hall, fiddling with the datapad in her servo. Only 17 Roombas left to go till she was done with the routine maintenance checks! Booyah!

 

Steve eyed the humming medic warily as he watched him finish up with the last Vehicon. The Eradicon was in a strangely good mood. It was terrifying.

“Right, you’re done. Begone! And I’d better not have to see you again for at least four cycles!” Fixit yelled after the fleeing Roomba.

And then he went right back to humming as he started packing his tools up. 

Wait…

Steve tilted his helm, listening. Was he…singing?

Yes. Yes he was.

> “I can’t wait to look in the mirror,
> 
> ‘cause I get better lookin’ each day.
> 
> To know me is to love me,
> 
> I must be a hell of a man.
> 
> Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble,
> 
> but I’m doing the best that I can.”

 

Steve snorted, causing the Eradicon to stop singing and look at him.

“What?”

“Where the frag did you learn that song? That’s incredibly amusing.”

“Isn’t it? I’ve had it stuck in my processor all day…” Fixit trailed off thoughtfully. And then a grin began tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Steve stepped back warily.

“Hey Steve?”

“…yeah?”

“Do yah think you and some of the other Roombas would be interested in learning the song?”

Steve stared at her. “…why?”

The Eradicon snickered. “Well, I mean, I just figured you’d want something to serenade Creamer with…”

“…”

“…”

Steve burst out laughing. “Oh frag yes!”

> “I used to have a girlfriend,
> 
> but I guess she just couldn’t compete,
> 
> with all these love-starved women,
> 
> who keep clamoring at my feet.”

 

“Slag, you guys picked this up fast,” Fixit told the surrounding Roombas, honestly impressed.

“Helps that it’s both catchy and hilarious,” a random Vehicon commented, his comrades all nodding along with him in agreement.

“Plus it’s a pretty simple tune,” GR-3G added. “It’s not like we’re learning different parts.”

Fixit paused. The Roombas all groaned in unison.

“Fraggit Greg, stop giving him ideas!” Steve whined. Greg grimaced sheepishly just before Hurricane Fixit sprung into being.

> “I probably could find me another,
> 
> but I guess they’re all in awe of me.
> 
> Who cares, I never get lonesome,
> 
> ‘cause I treasure my own company."

 

“Steve, you’re section leader for the tenors. Greg, baritones. Kevin, basses. Now shoo, go learn your parts! I expect them to be mastered by the time I finish my shift!”

The assembled Roomba choir watched the Eradicon bounce out of the room.

“…he doesn’t remember most of us have shifts now too, does he?” K3V-1N asked rhetorically.

Steve answered him anyways. “No. No he doesn’t.”

> "Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble,
> 
> when you’re perfect in every way,
> 
> I can’t wait to look in the mirror,
> 
> ‘cause I get better lookin’ each day."

 

Fixit popped her helm back in just as the Roombas were about to leave, almost smacking Greg in the face.

“I almost forgot! I pulled some strings and you all have the next two shifts off to practice. So hop to it! Ta!”

And then she disappeared, racing down the halls so as not to be late for her shift. The Roombas just stared after her.

“…well, so much for just walking away and not coming back.”

“Do you honestly think that would’ve worked in the first place?”

“…no, not really. But hey, a mech can dream, can’t he?”

> "To know me is to love me,
> 
> I must be a hell of a man.
> 
> Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble,
> 
> but I’m doing the best that I can.”

 

“Right. Hey Greg, Kevin, you guys got your parts down?” Steve called over.

“Yep!”

“Pretty much.”

“Right. We should probably start practicing together, then.”

**“Not it!”** Greg and Kevin exclaimed in unison.

“What? Not it for what?” Steve asked in confusion.

“Conducting.”

Steve paused. “What?! No, I don’t want to conduct!”

“Too bad, we already won.”

“Have fun standing in for Fixit, Steve…”

“I hate you both…” Steve sulked, reluctantly stepping up to the front of the room.

> “I guess you could say I’m a loner,
> 
> a cowboy outlaw, tough and proud.
> 
> well I could have lots of friends if I wanted,
> 
> but then I wouldn’t stand out from the crowd."

 

Fixit sniffed proudly, miming wiping away a tear as the Roomba Chorus finished demonstrating their newfound mastery of four-part harmony. “I’m so proud…my little minions are all grownup…”

Steve had never before in his life wanted to be able to roll his optics so badly. He settled for muttering “Moron,” instead.

Sadly, he also forgot he was standing right next to the evil Eradicon.

“I nominate Steve to conduct you in your official performance,” Fixit declared loudly, causing the Vehicon to choke in shock. “All in favor, say ‘aye!’”

“Wait, no-!”

“Aye!!!” the entire Chorus agreed instantly, looking far too gleeful at selling out the Vehicon.

Steve cussed them all out.

> "Some folks say that I’m egotistical,
> 
> but I don’t even know what that means.
> 
> I guess it has something to do with the way
> 
> that I fill out my skin-tight blue jeans."

 

“Creamer!”

Starscream jumped, turning to glare at the Eradicon. “Not now, Fixit! I’m busy-!”

“But the Roombas have a surprise present for you!”

Breakdown and Knock Out traded half-wary, half-amused glances behind the Seeker’s back as his optics narrowed.

“…present,” Creamer deadpanned.

Fixit beamed, rocking back and forth on her pedes. “Yep!”

“…would this present have, perhaps, been instigated by you?”

“I inspired it, yes, but other than giving them the idea I really had very little to do with it. They finished the present all on their own.”

“…considering their tendency to blow up anything and everything, that’s not very reassuring,” Starscream retorted dryly.

Fixit paused. “…true. But it’s not really something they can blow up.”

“We are talking about the same Roombas here, yes?”

“The day that they can blow up something abstract is the day I finally just give up.”

“…”

“…”

“…sadly, I wouldn’t put it past them to do just that.”

The Eradicon groaned in exasperation. “Starscream, will you just come? Please?”

They gaped at her. “Did you just say ‘please?!’” Breakdown gaped.

“Who are you and what have you done with Fixit!?!” Starscream and Knock Out screeched in unison.

“GET OUT THERE AND LISTEN BEFORE I REFORMAT YOU GLITCHED PIECES OF RUSTED SLAG INTO HUMAN SPARKLING TOYS AND DROP YOU IN A DAYCARE!!!”

The three all yelped and made a break for the door, the pissed-off Eradicon right on their heels.

 

Starscream’s optic twitched as he listened to the song. Breakdown and Knock Out just continued to roll on the floor in hysterics.

Fixit snickered. Oh, she was so totally getting Creamer into a pair of blue jeans next prank…

> "Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble,
> 
> when you’re perfect in every way.
> 
> I can’t wait to look in the mirror,
> 
> ‘cause I get better lookin’ each day.
> 
> To know me is to love me,
> 
> I must be a hell of a man.
> 
> Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble,
> 
> but I’m doing the best that I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘Oh Lord, It’s Hard To Be Humble’ by Mac Davis  
> 


	5. Happy Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repost from Fixit.  
> Set sometime before the end of TF:Prime.

_Ah, Internet. How I love you so. I can find anything I need on you!_

 

“Thank you, my good sir. Your assistance shall be well rewarded,” Fixit said pompously as she took the materials she had ordered online from the Vehicon who had agreed to pick it up on his patrol. 

“Just…leave me out of it, please? Sir?” ST-3V3 asked timidly. He- and all the rest of the Vehicons- had a very healthy respect (aka fear) of the crazy Eradicon Medical Apprentice.

Fixit paused. “No promises, but I’ll do my best. Ta-ta!”

 

Fixit cackled quietly to herself as she slinked through the Nemesis’ vents. After all the modifications Knock Out did to her frame, she was just barely small enough to fit, and abused this fact mercilessly. Soundwave was the only one who had figured out how she got around unseen, but was keeping it quiet in return for disruptions and distractions when he needed them. Frankly, Fixit thought she had gotten the better end of the deal- she had unofficial permission to prank the slag out of the crew!

 

“Lessee…Creamer gets the pink and KO gets the orange…or is it the other way around?”

Fixit frowned mentally at the colors in her servos. She couldn’t remember who was supposed to get which…

Screw it, she was mixing them all! Neon pink, orange, green, purple, and yellow, all together now!

 

“Was it up or down…? Or did I go right when I was supposed to go left?”

The Eradicon’s engine growled softly. All the slaggin’ vents looked the same!

 

“So that’s the Spanish version of the song…hmm…”

Fixit mentally tallied up how many different versions of the song she had. _English, Spanish, Russian, Italian, German- high and low- Afrikaans, Latin- so cool I found that one!- French, Romanian, Greek, Hawai’ian, Chinese, Japanese, Tibetan, Arabic, Indonesian, Mongolian, Turkish, Egyptian, Hebrew, Moroccan, Dutch, Norwegian, Icelandic, Inuit, Canadian (it is totally a different language, I don’t care what anyone else says), Cybertronian…yeah, I think that’s a pretty good range. They’ll never know what hit them! MUAHAHAHA!!!_

 

_Yes…come to me, my pretty…come to mama…_

 

Fixit clung to the rafters, ninja-style. _Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batman!_

Below her, Breakdown and Knock Out continued talking, worrying about her absence the past three cycles. _Hurry up and leave already, I’m behind schedule and you’re making me even later!_

 

_And now…it is time to strike._ Fixit began cackling manically, scaring the slag of the Vehicons walking past the closet she was hiding in. _I love alibis!_

 

Knock Out was abruptly jarred out of his recharge by a song blaring over the intercom at full fragging volume.

**“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you…”**

“What the frag?!”

 

Starscream and Breakdown had been on top of the Nemesis, supervising the drones performing some basic repairs on damage they had incurred in the tropical storm just a little while ago, when the annoying Earth song began blaring over the speakers.

Breakdown winced, clapping his servos over his audios along with the Seeker. He watched as the SIC began to yell- although Breakdown could barely hear his own thoughts, so he definitely couldn’t hear the other mech- and stalked off towards the entrance to the ship. Unfortunately, the Seeker didn’t make it there before setting off one of Fixit’s lovingly prepared booby traps.

Starscream was launched a couple of meters into the air as giant neon party balloons, streamers, and confetti exploded out from under him.

 

Knock Out slipped and slid down the neon balloon-filled and well-oiled corridor. It was impossible to get anywhere, and to make matters worse, the oil was mixed with emerald-green stain! It was ruining his paint job!

 

Starscream was going nuts. The slagging song had repeated in over fifty different languages...and then went and started over from the beginning!

He screeched in fury as his pedes went out from under him again, coating him in oil and pink stain. Whatever slagger had done this had used a different color stain for each fragging corridor!

 

Knock Out slid through the intersection and accidentally crashed into his fellow officers, each one coming from a different direction. They groaned in unison.

“When I get my claws on the fragger that did this-!” Starscream snarled, looking quite ridiculous dyed pink, green, and highlighter yellow with streamers and popped balloons all over him.

“Not if I get to them first,” Knock Out rumbled, looking rather dangerous deranged with his left optic twitching like that. He too was tie-dyed and covered in party accoutrements. 

“I don’t care if I get to them before or after you- I’m going to smash them into a pulp either way,” Breakdown vowed, the multi-colored party mech popping a neon purple balloon in his fist threateningly.

 

At the energon mine, Fixit paused. Soundwave glanced at her in mild interest.

“My death threat senses are tingling,” she explained matter-of-factly, tapping her chin thoughtfully and ignoring Soundwave’s completely blank yet simultaneously incredulous gaze. “I wonder why…after all, I have been here for the past twelve cycles.”

_And I have…because I finished setting up the prank seventeen cycles ago. They’ll never believe it’s been in place for that long without being triggered, which effectively leaves me with an alibi! Booyah! Beat that, Knock Out!_


	6. Wingmech

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set between Chapters 33 and 34 of Fixit.  
> 

“Wrench.”

“…”

“Wire cutters.”

“…”

“…Steve, wire cutters.”

“…”

“Steve!”

“What?!” Steve jumped, whipping his helm around to look at Fixit.

The modified Eradicon just looked at him with a raised brow. “I didn’t realize Creamer sucking up to our Lord was that fascinating.”

The Vehicon coughed uncomfortably. “Yeah, no, it’s, um…amusing to watch the futility?”

Her brow remained up. “Uh-huh…”

He fidgeted. “…what did you want, again?”

“For you to tell me the truth?”

“So you can blackmail me mercilessl-? Wait, frag!” he swore, realizing he had just confirmed Fixit’s suspicion that he actually was hiding something. Steve tried to flee as an evil grin spread across the Eradicon’s faceplates, but she just tripped and sat on him.

“Come here, Stevie. Tell Auntie Fixit everything.”

Steve whimpered.

“…I don’t even want to know,” Starscream deadpanned, staring flatly at the two of them. Megatron was standing behind the Seeker with a raised brow.

“Hey milord, hey Creamer!” Fixit waved cheerfully as Steve attempted to become one with the hull in embarrassment. “Don’t mind us, I’m just interrogating Steve. He’s trying to keep potential blackmail material from me,” she shook her helm sadly.

“Like you need more blackmail,” Starscream muttered, turning away to go yell at other, more incompetent Roombas.

“One can never have enough blackmail! You know that, Sir Valenti-!” she called happily after him, noticing Steve watching Creamer’s aft out of the corner of her optic. _Interesting…_

“NO!!! YOU KNOW YOU’RE NEVER ALLOWED TO MENTION THAT EVER AGAIN!!!” the Seeker shrieked as he fled in fear, following the mass exodus of Vehicons.

Megatron was visibly taken aback at how fast his forces had scattered at one incomplete sentence from the crazy Eradicon medic. Said medic was currently cackling madly from her perch on top of Steve, who was clawing at the hull of the Nemesis in a futile attempt to flee as well.

“…what, exactly, did you do to traumatize my forces this time?” the Lord of the Decepticons asked warily, with a slight edge of amusement.

Fixit snickered. “I did it several stellar cycles ago, actually, sir. I can’t believe they’re still terrified, that’s awesome.”

“…several stellar cycles,” he said slowly, his brow raising again.

“Yep! I modified a human tradition and their reactions to it were hysterical. Although in hindsight I might’ve gone a bit over the top…”

“A bit!?” Steve cried incredulously. “The entirety of the Nemesis voted unanimously to erase any evidence of the fragging thing, and to ban any mention of anything connected to it ever again!”

Fixit pouted. “I still can’t believe Soundwave actually voluntarily erased that footage even before the decree…”

“He what!?” Megatron’s processor just about broke at that.

“I know, right!? Like, what the frag?!”

“That- enough! You!” he pointed commandingly at Fixit, who snapped to attention obediently. “Get the drones back to work, and finish these repairs!”

“Sir!” She saluted as Megatron stalked off, presumably to corner his TIC and wrangle the truth out of him.

Steve vented in relief once his intimidating Lord was gone. How the frag was Fixit so casual with him?!

…oh wait. He was alone with Fixit. And the crazy Eradicon knew he was hiding something.

.

.

.

Frag his life.

 

Fixit had recalled the Roombas and set them to work with Dreadwing supervising before dragging Steve off and locking him in a closet with her.

“Now then…” she turned ominously to the cowering Vehicon.

Steve winced and waited for the incoming interrogation.

“…you have a crush on Creamer? Seriously? I guess there’s no accounting for taste…”

“Wait, what!? How did you- how do you know that!?” Steve yelped in alarm. He could’ve sworn the Eradicon had no idea!

“I caught you ogling his aft earlier up on the hull.” She smirked smugly as his cooling fans clicked on in embarrassment and he covered his faceplate.

“Fiiiixiiiitttt,” he moaned. “Shut uuuuuuuupp.”

“There there, Stevie. Don’t worry,” she patted him on the shoulder. “Fixit will help you tap that.”

“FIXIT!!!”

“Even if we have to get him so overcharged he won’t remember what happened the next day.”

_“FIXIT!!!”_

 

“Steve, you go stand there. And don’t move till it’s time to play along.”

“…please don’t make me do this.”

“You don’t even know what the plan is!”

“It’s you. It’s going to be incredibly traumatizing and/or embarrassing no matter what.”

“…it’ll let you touch Starscream.”

“…”

“…”

“…I hate you so much right now…”

“Good boy, Steve~!”

 

“Creamer!” Fixit proclaimed cheerfully, bouncing over to the Seeker.

He promptly backpedaled rapidly, grabbing a random Vehicon (or so he thought) to use as a living shield. “BACK, FOUL BEAST!”

Steve suddenly understood exactly why Fixit had told him to stand there. For once, he was extremely thankful he didn’t have a face. Otherwise, his flush would have given the game away.

But his crush was right there! His lean, sleek body pressed against the Vehicon’s back, nimble servos clinging to his shoulders, venting right on his neck-

Fixit was having a hard time keeping a straight face as she verbally toyed with Starscream. Steve’s optical band was practically glazed over, the mech clearly oblivious to anything except the Seeker’s proximity to him. It was hysterical! That bot had it so bad for Starscream. Too bad the Seeker didn’t really like Grounders…

Still, there was always plan B: getting Starscream so drunk he couldn’t see straight before locking them in a closet together.

Hey, they were Decepticons! What did they care about morals?! If Creamer was stupid enough to get that overcharged in the first place, he deserved what happened to him.

Plus, extra potential blackmail! It was a win-win scenario!

 

“Fixit, pleeeeease stop…”

“Nope. You’re a good friend and a better minion, Steve. If helping you tap Seeker aft makes you happy, then by Primus I’m going to help you. Regardless of my personal feelings towards said aft.”

“…you do realize it’s his frame and not his personality I like, right? I’m not in love with him, just in lust.”

“...well, I know now. And my faith in your good taste has been restored.”

“Excuse me!?”

“Starscream’s might be a total glitch, but even I have to admit he’s attractive.”

“…I’m…not sure how I feel about that.”

“No one ever does, Steve. No one ever does. Now then, Operation: One Night Stand is a go!”

“Fixiiiiiiiiit, noooooooo!”

 

Steve winced as Starscream walked onto the bridge, fresh from Dreadwing’s failed murder attempt. He was so glad he’d managed to distract Fixit from all the Eradicon’s attempts to get him together with the Seeker. Pretty though he might be, Steve had enough crazy to deal with in the form of a certain Eradicon. He did _not_ need to complicate his life further.

...and after all the time spent around Fixit, Steve really should have known better than to tempt fate.

**“COMMANDER DREADWING KIDNAPPED FIXIT!?!”** all the Roombas on the bridge yelped in unison, spinning to face their startled officers. Then all their helms snapped towards Steve.

(As Fixit’s favorite minion, all the other Roombas had started looking to Steve for orders when the crazy Eradicon medic or any of the other officers weren’t around. Much to his eternal dismay.)

“That fragger is dead!” Steve fumed, gesturing the bridge back to work even as he commed the rest of his brethren. :Attention, all Roombas! This is Head Minion Steve! Ex-Commander Dreadwing has kidnapped Fixit! Activate Emergency Protocol Keystone! Repeat, activate Protocol Keystone! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!:

Steve shared a nod with Commander Soundwave when the TIC sent him Dreadwing and Fixit’s last known coordinates. They would find the Eradicon, even if they had to comb the entire planet to do so!

The rest of the officers just blinked bemusedly. What the frag just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never underestimate the Roombas’ devotion to Fixit.  
> And no, Fixit never did manage to get Starscream and Steve together. Much to the Vehicon’s eternal relief.


	7. Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set between chapters 42 and 43 of Fixit.

_“So, on top of everything else you want me to do…you want me to use Queen’s music in a prank?”_

_“Well…yes. Please?”_

 

Fixit and Lazerbeak cackled quietly together as they uploaded the program to the Nemesis’ systems. It wasn’t that big of a prank…but it would definitely annoy Creamer.

 

Fixit was spinning on her stool, totally not listening as Knock Out whined to her about Shockwave stealing all his experiments.

_And it should start in three, two, one…bingo! Now, all that’s needed is for someone to come through the doors!_

She started bouncing slightly on her stool as she grinned evilly, faintly registering KO freeze in horror. He recognized that grin…the Eradicon only ever wore that one when she was about to pull a prank! Frag, they were all doomed!

 

Soundwave walked onto the bridge to start his shift…and paused in his tracks as “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen started playing. Everyone froze, turning to look at the TIC.

Ah. So this was what Fixit and Lazerbeak were doing earlier.

Soundwave was amused, but pretended to ignore the music as he moved to the console.

 

Lord Megatron walked onto the bridge, and faltered as “Princes Of The Universe” by Queen started playing over the speakers.

He glanced over at his TIC in inquiry, and was rewarded with an image of Fixit and Lazerbeak cackling together. He shook his helm, venting as he continued into the room.

At least it was only a song, and it only played once.

 

Knock Out strode quickly onto the bridge, unnerved by being trapped in close proximity to a grinning Fixit for so long, and groaned in sudden realization as “Killer Queen” by Queen began playing.

Megatron chuckled from where he was standing by Soundwave.

“As if it wasn’t enough that “Another One Bites The Dust” plays every time a Vehicon comes into medbay…” he whined, moving over to report to his amused Lord.

All the bridge was stifling laughter, now. _Everyone_ knew of Fixit’s exasperation with the Vehicons blowing themselves up all the time.

 

Starscream stalked onto the bridge, preparing to scold Knock Out for not being in medbay…and stumbled slightly in shock as “Somebody To Love” by Queen began blaring out.

“What the frag!?” he exclaimed, the entire bridge breaking out into laughter. “Stop laughing! Fraggit Fixit, I’m going to murder you!”

“It fits…so well!” Knock Out gasped, clinging to the edge of Soundwave’s console as the TIC’s shoulders shook.

Creamer just snarled at everyone.

 

Down in his lab in the abandoned energon mine, Shockwave jumped as “I Want It All” by Queen thundered out of the speakers at max volume. The one-opticed mech winced, stomping over to the console to try and shut the music off…only to discover to his horror that he couldn’t. Furthermore, the song was set to repeat!

 

He threw a tool across the room after at the fiftieth repeat, finally just resorting to destroying the fragging speakers. When he found the person responsible for this, he would use them as a subject for his next experiment with Syth En!

 

Soundwave walked down the hall to his office, where Fixit was currently hiding from Starscream and Knock Out’s wrath. He opened the door and stepped through, locking it behind him…and then “You’re My Best Friend” by Queen began playing softly.

Fixit poked her helm out sheepishly from behind the desk. “Hi?” she said quietly, giving a tentative wave.

Soundwave pulled off his visor as he walked over to her, pulling her up into a gentle kiss. She relaxed into his arms as he embraced her, tenderly stroking her back and wings.

“…you’re my best friend too, Fixit,” he smirked softly, reaching up to caress her face. She shuttered her optics, leaning into his touch.

“…so it wasn’t too cheesy, then. Good to know,” she muttered as he pulled her helm down to rest against his neck, wrapping her arms tighter around his strong frame as they just basked in each other’s presence. 

Soundwave kissed the top of her helm affectionately as he continued stroking her back. “I missed your pranks. Even if this one was a little tamer than usual.”

“Didn’t want to piss off our Lord too badly,” she murmured, starting to melt into a puddle of strutless goo under his ministrations.

“I don’t think any of your pranks have done anything but amuse Lord Megatron…Fixit?” He craned his helm to look at her, face softening as he realized she was in recharge. The TIC cradled her gently as he moved, picking her up and moving to the door to take her back to his berth. She could recharge safely there while he worked, without him having to worry about Starscream and Knock Out attempting revenge.

“I love you,” he whispered against her helm, giving his Eradicon one last kiss before replacing his visor and unlocking his door, stepping out into the halls.


	8. Deity of Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canonically set shortly before Primus’ Handymech begins, but really, could happen anytime after chapter 6 of Fixit.  
> 

Steve blinked blankly at his fellow modified Roombas. “…do I even want to know why you’re kowtowing to an energon-stained medbay berth with a long-dead scraplet on it?” he asked warily.

“We’re appeasing He who embodies the Balance of Life and Death, Suffering and Joy, Creation and Destruction,” D3V-11D explained.

Blink.

“…He who is the perfect Balance? Born of both Primus and Unicron?”

Blink.

Greg rolled his optics and elaborated at Steve’s continued confusion. “We’re making an offering to the Sith Lord of Terror in the hopes of staving off His Wrath. Or at least redirecting it onto someone else.”

“…you’re worshiping Fix-” Steve started flatly.

“DON’T SAY HIS NAME!!!” they all screeched at him in fear.

“Saying His name brings down His Wrath upon us!” David whimpered.

‘Wrath?’ Steve mouthed incredulously. He could practically hear the capitals in that sentence.

“Yes, Wrath! If you say His name, He shall descend upon you and drag you off to His Temple, where He shalt Sacrifice you upon His Holy Terrifying Altar of Change and consume your Fear! All who are Sacrificed art forever changed by the Experience! They no longer exist as they once were- instead, they have been permanently warped by His Whims!”

They all shivered in fear at the thought. Steve just attempted to process that speech, mentally running it through his “Ridiculous-Antics-to-Normal-People-Speech” filter.

“…wait, you’re scared of Fix-”

“NOT THE NAME!!!”

Steve rolled his optics. “You’re scared of He-who-must-not-be-Named repairing you?! Seriously?”

“He might fix our physical ailments, but our minds are forever changed by Him,” K3V-1N said seriously. “By offering other things or beings in our place, we Roombas-”

“You call yourselves Roombas?! Seriously!?”

Kevin gave him a nasty look for interrupting. “- we hope to redirect His Wrath unto others, leaving us unchanged.”

.

.

.

Steve’s left optic twitched. “…you’re trying to avoid getting lectured, aren’t you.”

“…pretty much, yeah.”

.

.

.

“…so…”

“Yes?”

“…how does this work, again?”

“Welcome to the fold, Roomba Steve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so much fun to write. And capitalize.  
> The Roombas are willing to do practically anything to avoid a Fixit lecture. Including Steve. It’s so funny.


	9. Lawn Care (GD)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KEY (for text-only sections)
> 
> -Fixit speaking-
> 
> [Miles speaking]
> 
> {Sam speaking}

“Sam, off the grass! I just took care of it!”

Seven year old Sam rolled his eyes, but obediently moved off the grass. He moved over to where Aunt Fixit and Miles were lounging in the shade, munching on macaroni salad as they watched his parents work on their garden.

“My parents are so weird…” he muttered as he plopped down next to the albino. “It’s just grass, it’s supposed to be walked on…”

Miles snickered, kicking his legs in the air as he lay on his front. “I think Uncle Ron loves his grass more than Aunt Judy…oh, my beautiful grass, I love you so!” he mocked, making Sam laugh and Fixit snicker.

“It’s his…precious…” the albino imitated Gollum. The boys laughed, since the cybertronian had been reading them the Hobbit for the past couple of weeks.

Sam idly stabbed his fork into the ground, catching her interest. “Does that make you Smaug?” he asked Fixit innocently. “You are evil enough…”

She paused in her plotting, staring at him…and then burst out into semi-hysterical laughter. “…you…think…dragon…me…Majesty! Yes!”

The boys looked at each other and simultaneously decided to ignore the weirdo laughing her aft off between them.

“So I had the most awesome idea for a prank during class yesterday…” Miles scooted over to Sam to begin plotting as Fixit continued to laugh.

“Dragon!”

 

“Off my lawn, woman!”

“Bite me, Witwicky!”

“FIXIT, OFF THE LAWN! RON, NO YELLING!”

**“Yes ma’am…”**

 

“So, boys…” Fixit began as she pulled away from the dojo the boys were learning aikido at.

Their attention immediately turned to her as they paused in plotting their revenge on a bully at school.

The albino grinned wolfishly. “How’d you like to mess with Ron’s precious?”

Pedestrians walking along the road all turned to stare warily at the sleek silver car as mad cackling drifted out of its open windows.

 

“-First, to the craft store! High-ho, to Jo-Ann’s we go!-”

“[Forward on the foe!]”

“{Whoo! This is gonna rule!}”

 

“-Got it?-”

“[Yup! What’s next?]”

“-Um…right! To Home Depot we go!-”

**“Yeah!”**

 

“[Mom?]”

“-Yeah?-”

“[You have the most awesome car ever.]”

“{How is it even fitting all this stuff?}”

“-Because Sammy, my car, like me, is ninja-awesome.-”

“{…okay, yeah, that’s true.}”

“[Best. Mom. Ever.]”

 

“{…what are we doing?}”

“-If we’re going to do this, we have to be properly dressed…-”

“{Auntie?}”

“-Yeah?-”

**“You rule.”**

“-I know.-”

 

Midnight came, and with it, three black-clad ninjas darting about the Witwicky’s yard, conversing in hurried whispers.

“[So awesome-!]”

“{Shh!}”

“-Right, that’s everything, let’s flee the scene of the crime!-”

“{Flee!}”

“[Whoo!]”

**“Shhhh!!!”**

 

Ron raised his morning cup of coffee to his lips as he went to fetch the paper…and promptly spat it out at the sight of his poor lawn.

**_“FIXIT!!!”_** he howled in rage as he beheld the state of his precious.

Lawn flamingos of every color, both sparkly and non, were all over the yard, as well as obnoxiously colored gazing balls and lawn gnomes. The grass itself had been spray-painted shimmering pink- what little of it could be seen through the multitude of rainbow-colored forks planted in nearly every square meter of the yard.

All in all, it looked like the gods of lawn ornaments and rainbows had thrown up on it.

 

In the house across the street (which Fixit had bought solely so she didn’t have to drive an hour each day if she wanted to visit the Witwickys) the three ninjas high-fived each other in triumph. Victory was theirs!


	10. Introducing The Poltergeists!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set before the beginning of Guardian Devil.

“Have fun at school, boys!” Fixit waved to the boys as they ran inside the middle school. She hummed along to the song on the radio- Living On A Prayer by Bon Jovi, what else?- as she pulled out of the parking lot.

As she was driving to the hardware store to pick up some things Ron had asked her to get, she spotted a house beginning to put up Hallowe’en decorations. Wait…

…it was almost October already? That meant Hallowe’en was coming up…

FRAG YES!!! OPERATION: PRANK THE COUNTRY IS A GO!!!

 

“So, just to clarify: we’ve already done Prank the State; Prank the Western Seaboard; and now it’s time to Prank the Country?” Judy asked as she and Fixit drove out to Colorado to pick up some fireworks. Ron was left in charge of the boys (who had no idea their moms were the infamous Poltergeists) for the weekend whilst the girls prepped.

“Yep.”

“Sweet. So what’s the plan?”

“Well, first…”

 

“Pink or Green?”

“Pink.”

“Sparkly or Bloody?”

“Hmm…it’s Hallowe’en, bloody.”

“Got it. Bunnies or Zombies?”

“Zombie Bunnies.”

“…”

“…”

“…why did that never occur to me before!? That’s brilliant!!!”

“I am sneaky ninja-awesome…”

“Touché, Judy. Touché.”

 

Judy laughed her ass off at the video Fixit had made.

The albino grinned smugly. They’d never know what hit them.

 

“Pumpkins?”

“Check.”

“Hidden catapults in place?”

“Check.”

“Pumpkin fillings, candy, and taunting notes for law enforcement?”

“Check, check, and check!”

“Right, time to set the timer and leave…”

“This is going to be so awesome!”

 

“So CadeCade, Fritz…”

“Yes, we’ll be your temporary minions again.”

“YES!”

Barricade chuckled at Fixit’s sheer glee. Really, this was far too much fun not to help, especially since it drove the human law enforcement and security nuts.

 

Ron sighed. Only two days into October, and security across the country was already being stepped up in preparation for the Poltergeists’ next prank(s)…

 

“Blueprints secured?”

“Check!”

“Cut-out ready to go?”

“Check!”

 

Judy hid a yawn as she did her weekly shopping. Continuing with most of their usual routines was incredibly important to keeping their cover, but it was utterly exhausting! If it wasn’t for Fixit not needing to recharge less than humans (or even the average cybertronian), they never would be able to do this!

Also, Fixit not really having a routine helped too…though it did occasionally make getting her an alibi annoying.

 

“Calling cards ready to go?”

“Check! Hack set up and ready?”

“Check! And…I think that’s everything!”

“Yes! This is going to be so much fun!”

“They’ll never know what hit them!”

Judy and Fixit cackled maniacally, but quietly, from where they were hanging from the ceiling in their ninja outfits. Below, people passed by obliviously to their impending doom.

 

Hallowe’en day dawned…and an entire nation held its breath, waiting for the Poltergeists to strike.

Children awoke early to watch the news. Police and military forces alike prepared to respond.

And then…

Fixit grinned. “Operation: Prank the Country…begin.”

**“Sir yes sir!”** Judy, Barricade, and Fritz acknowledged over the comm, going about their appointed tasks with glee.

 

Those few who slept in were startled awake by the loud sound of hollowed pumpkins striking the streets in every settled location (with a population over 1 million) across the country, splattering the sparkly multi-colored paint everywhere. Candy and Hallowe’en themed toys (sealed in protective plastic bags to prevent contamination) rained down from the sky as well, slowly followed by the now-traditional notes to law enforcement drifting down after them.

The children cheered, rushing outside to snatch some of the multitude of candy. Drowsy parents drifted after their offspring sleepily, either laughing or groaning at the giant mess that greeted them.

One parent stooped to pick up a note.

It read, in fancy font:

‘Good Job on Protecting Your City, Guys! Enjoy the Fun!

And Happy Hallowe’en! 

-from your friendly neighborhood Poltergeists!’

Barricade cackled gleefully in his hidey-hole at the curses from law enforcement filling the airwaves, even as he hit the button to make the catapults reload. He loved this task!

 

Fritz cackled mentally as he snuck into the White House, the only government building they were targeting where they hadn’t dared set up booby-traps ahead of time. (It was too public, unlike the Pentagon. Though they had chosen to forgo pranking that building, and other military/law enforcement buildings, in favor of not pissing off the government too badly.) He had been given free reign, so long as he hurt no one and all of the damage was easily reversed or non-crippling to operation.

But even with those parameters, this was going to be so much fun!

 

Judy hit her remote control, unleashing the stuffed zombie bunnies. The simple little automated robots (covered in mass amounts of fluffy fur and stuffing) would just roam around the areas they were released until they were either caught or their batteries ran out.

But considering each of them was wearing a small bowtie made of tiny solar panels, that could take awhile.

 

Fritz escaped the White House unseen, leaving chaos in his wake. 

He had reversed every screen to display upside-down and backwards; tossed itching powder in every piece of laundry or cloth he could access without getting caught; set the language of every device to either Russian, German, Hindu, Japanese, or Afrikaans (including the printers and fax machines); doused all the food with orange and/or red food dye; slipped pink hair dye into all the shampoo and conditioner; and splattered every room he could with his customized semi-automatic paintball rifle.

Fixit was going to be so proud…

 

Judy, Barricade, and Fritz all gathered round as Fixit stood in front of her console, watching the news reports.

“Nice one, Fritz!” the Eradicon laughed as the initial report of the damage to the White House came out, despite efforts to cover it up.

The spastic silver mech cackled gleefully. Judy laughed with him as Barricade snickered.

“Aaaaaand…it is now officially noon. Shall we?”

They all shared evil grins, standing at attention behind the Eradicon.

Fixit brought up her virus…and pushed the button.

 

Every video or audio feed in the country was suddenly replaced with Zombie Bunnies saluting a flagpole waving the American Flag Underwear…to the full symphonic and choral arrangement (courtesy of Fixit and Fritz’s mad hacking skillz) of ‘God Bless My Underwear.’

> “God Bless My Underwear
> 
> The only pair I own!
> 
> Stand beside them
> 
> And guide them
> 
> As they sit in a heap by the chair!
> 
> From the washer
> 
> To the dryer
> 
> To my dresser
> 
> To my rear!
> 
> God Bless My Underwear
> 
> My only pair!
> 
> God Bless My Underwear
> 
> Or I’ll Be Bare!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fixit needed _something_ to do whilst waiting for the plot to start.
> 
> The Poltergeists shall be quite important in Guardian Devil. I can't wait!


	11. New Insignia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set between chapters ten and eleven of Guardian Devil.

Miles looked up as his mom came storming in. Barricade paused the game as they eyed the Eradicon warily.

“…Mom?”

She continued muttering obscene death threats. Apparently she didn’t hear him.

“MOM!”

Fixit yelped, spinning to face them abruptly. Cade raised an incredulous brow. Usually the winged medic was much more aware of her surroundings than this.

“…oh, it’s just you two. Okay…wait, no! Miles! Come and help me with something!”

The cruiser watched in mild bemusement as the Eradicon absconded with her son, taking off into the depths of the mountain.

…then he signed Miles out, unpaused the game, and went right on back to killing the Covenant.

 

Miles sat on Fixit’s desk, watching as she rummaged around her ‘office.’

“Hah! Found it!” the Eradicon cried triumphantly, holding up…what looked like an oversized sander.

The blond just stared.

“Right, so, Miles, apparently there is Con insignia on my wings. I want you to sand it off and then repaint the sanded area, please.”

“…”

“…”

“…why not just do it yourself?”

Fixit glowered. Then she put the sander down and tried to reach the insignia Miles had only noticed when she pointed it out to him. Emphasis on tried, because she wasn’t flexible enough to reach it, and just ended up spinning in little frustrated circles as she tried to touch the insignia.

The blond had a hard time suppressing his laughter as he watched…but ended up bursting out laughing as his mom froze mid-spin to glare at him.

“Shut up,” she scowled, flushing as she lowered her arms and picked the sander back up again.

Laughter.

“Miles…”

Hysterical laughter.

_“Miles!!!”_

He abruptly shut up with an intimidated squeak, clapping his hands over his mouth.

“Thank you. Now then, would you please get this slaggin’ thing off of me!?”

“Ma’am yes ma’am!”

 

Miles shut off the sander and wiped his brow. Finally, his mom’s slaggin’ insignia was gone!

…which just left the paint.

He groaned softly at the thought of more work.

“Hey Mom, can I take a break before painting?” he asked tiredly, leaning against the oversized sander that was just barely small enough for him to lift.

No answer.

The blond frowned, moving so that he could see her faceplates. The Eradicon was completely engrossed in her current project, and utterly oblivious to everything around her, having shut off the sensors in her wings to allow her son to work.

…wait…utterly oblivious…

A massive grin slowly overtook Miles’ face.

 

“Scrap, scrap, beautiful scrap…” the blond sung softly to himself as he picked out pieces to shape.

Ooo, that piece would work perfectly for the ears…

 

“Let’s see…definitely want the pink…but should it be the pearlescent or the sparkly paint? Decisions, decisions…”

 

Miles lowered the welding mask, evil grin firmly in place behind it as he lit the torch.

Above and in front of him, Fixit worked on obliviously.

 

Barricade looked up as a madly-cackling Miles came skipping into the room.

“…I don’t want to know, do I?” he asked slowly, eyeing the blond warily.

“No. No you don’t,” the boy replied cheerfully. “Plausible deniability and all that…”

“…”

“…”

“…running suddenly sounds like a very good idea…”

Miles snickered gleefully.

 

Fixit stretched as she walked into the room, wings flicking behind her. “Hey CadeCade, hey Miles.”

“Hey Mom,” the blond greeted absentmindedly, focused on getting as many headshots as possible.

Barricade glanced over at her and gave her a nod…and then he did a double take as she walked past him to the kitchen.

Fixit paused in the doorway as the cruiser burst out laughing. She glanced back at him over her shoulder, flicking her wing out of the way.

Strangely enough, this only made him laugh harder…and then she caught sight of her son’s entirely too gleeful expression.

She narrowed her crimson optics at him. “What did you do?”

“Me?” he laid a hand on his chest, feigning innocence. It would’ve worked better if he wasn't grinning like a maniac. “What makes you think I did anything?”

“Miles…” she said warningly, even as she went back over the day…and froze. The only time he had an opportunity to do something was-!

“Miles, what did you do to my wings!?” she yelped, craning her helm…

And a bright, sparkly pink bunny in a pearlescent pink tutu, in a classic ballerina pose, stared cheerfully up at her from her dark purple wings.

**“MILES JONAS LANCASTER-CALLAHAN!!!”**

Barricade and Miles were already out the door, having made a break for it the second the Eradicon took her optics off her son.

_**“GET BACK HERE AND LET ME MURDER YOU, BRATS!!!”**_


	12. Mexico

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set shortly after Chapter 5 of Guardian Devil.

_**“They hid the key to fixing him in a temple in Mexico.”** _

_“Okay…got any more detail than that?”_

_**“…I believe Solus said it was an Mayan temple.”** _

_“Got it…Solus is being really cooperative, isn’t he?”_

_**“So far, he is the only one of the Primes who is showing any remorse for their actions.”** _

_“Huh. No wonder I disliked ‘im less than the others…he’s probably the only even vaguely sane one left.”_

_**“…unfortunately, youngling, you are most likely right. Again.”** _

_“Well I am sneaky ninja awesome…”_

_**“What does that have to do with anything?”** _

_“It has everything to do with it…”_

 

“That’s so cool…”

Barricade snorted from the couch as his red Spartan pummeled Frenzy’s blue Elite. “And dangerous. The tunnels were filled with rogue bots, spark-eaters, scraplets…you name it.”

Frenzy scowled at the cop car as his Elite respawned. “M-my story, m-my My-My, b-butt out-t!”

“I haven’t really done anything dangerous,” Miles pouted, the soon-to-be sophomore in high school expertly maneuvering his Spartan around the battlefield, annihilating the Covenant coming his way. “Most scary thing I’ve ever done was help destroy that mutated cacti lab…”

CadeCade and Fritz paused the game, turning to stare at the boy. “Mutated cacti?”

“Yeah, there was an issue with one of Mom’s rival companies’ experiments down in Mexico. She had to bring me along since it was summer break and the Witwicky’s were in Nebraska for Judy’s dad’s funeral-”

There was suddenly a loud slam from behind them as Fixit slammed her helm into the table she was working at.

“FRAGGIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!!” she cursed, immediately bursting into a flurry of frantic action.

The terrible trio shared a wary glance.

“Forgot about what?” Barricade asked carefully as Miles and Fritz climbed onto his shoulders in search of safety.

“Tell you on the way, now hurry up and pack!”

“Wait, what? Pack? Mom, where are we going?”

“An ancient Mayan temple in Mexico. What are you just sitting around for!? Move! Go! Go go go go go!”

They were all bewildered, but allowed themselves to be shepherded along. Sometimes, with Fixit, it was just better not to ask…

And hey, free vacation to Mexico!

 

“Mommommommommommom-”

“No, you may not get the giant sombrero…”

“But Mom…”

“B-but Fixy…”

Cue pleading optics.

.

.

.

“…I don’t think they’re going to stop anytime soon…”

“Shut up, CadeCade.”

“Shutting up.”

The spazzes sniffled pitifully.

“…GAH! Okay, if you behave, then on the way back we can get the fraggin’ sombrero!”

**“YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!”**

“Sucker…”

_“Barricade!”_

“Shutting up!”

 

“Okay, wait here for me, and whatever you do…don’t follow me. Got it!?”

“Ma’am yes ma’am!” Miles and Fritz saluted. Barricade rolled his optics, but nodded in response to the Eradicon’s mute question. He’d protect her son till she got back.

The blue-and-purple femme pivoted on her pedes and slowly stalked into the forbidding, abandoned, overgrown and partially flooded Mayan temple. In order to reach the slaggin’ thing, they had first had to climb down into a massive Cenote (that was surprisingly well-hidden. The thing was incredibly difficult to find). Once they got down into the hole (and Cade stopped whining about his joints rusting), they had to swim through several flooded caverns that were only just big enough for both the full-size mechs to fit through. Miles rode in Fixit’s cockpit, which she sealed and pressurized to keep him safe.

Finally, after about fifteen minutes of swimming, they’d emerged into a huge cavern deep underground. The (huge!) temple was located against the southern wall, and the only source of light were Barricade’s headlights and the flashlights Fixit had packed in her subspace.

The terrible trio watched as the darkness swallowed up the Eradicon, leaving them alone in the cold, dripping, and eerie cavern.

“So…who wants to play poker?” Miles asked innocently, holding up a deck of cards.

 

“How are you so fragging good at this, you little slagger!?”

“Mom kicks aft at poker, and she taught me most of her tricks. Royal Flush!”

“WHAT!?!”

“B-B.S!!!”

“Wrong game, Fritzy! Read ‘em and weep!”

“You cheating little-”

Miles cackled gleefully as he dodged the cybertronians chasing him.

 

“…so bored…”

“Fixy need-need-d hurry uppy…”

“…right, that’s it! I can't stay here alone with you two any longer if I want to remain sane! I’m going after the fragger, who’s with me!?”

“Slag yes!”

“T-to Fixy! A-advance, my l-legions!”

“Oh we’re off to find the mother, the ninja-ful mother of me…”

“…I changed my mind, I’m going alone, stay here.”

“N-nice try, CadeCade.”

“If yah didn’ wan’ us comin’ along, yah shouldn’ta offered in t’ first place…”

“Why the frag are you suddenly talking with an accent, Miles?”

“Why no’?”

“…whatever. Frenzy, stop singing!”

“…g-ghosty chickens in t-the skyyyyyyyyy…”

“Yes!”

“No, Miles-!”

**“A chicken farmer set out, one dark and stormy day-”**

“Nooooooo, whyyyyyyyyy…”

**“He stopped by the chicken coop, as he went along his way-!”**

“Why did Fixit have to teach you this song!?”

**“When all of a sudden, a rotten egg, it hit him in his eye-”**

“Fraggit, I’m just gonna offline my audios…”

**“It was a sight he dreaded; Ghost Chickens in the Skyyyyyyyyy.”**

“Ah, sweet relief…”

**“Bawk…bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! Bawk bawk bawk bawk, Bakcaw! Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! Ghost Chickens in the Skyyyyyyyyyy!”**

“…and even though I can’t hear you you’re just going to keep singing anyways, aren’t you?”

**“He had been raising chickens since he was thirty-four, been working for the Colonel for forty years or more! Chopping up those chickens, and sending them to fry…”**

“…I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. Ah well, at least you’ll be annoying Fixit and not me…”

**“And now they want revenge, those chickens in the skyyyyyyyyyyyyy!**

**Bawk…bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! Bawk bawk bawk bawk, Bakcaw! Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! Ghost Chickens in the Skyyyyyyyyyy!”**

“…is the stupid dance really necessary?”

**“Their bones were black and shiny, their eyes, a fiery red, they had no meat nor feathers, those chickens, they were dead! They picked the farmer up…and he died by the claw…**

**…they fried him extra crispy, and served him with coleslawwwwwwww.**

**Bawk…bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! Bawk bawk bawk bawk, Bakcaw! Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! Ghost Chickens in the Skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”**

“…are you done now?”

**“Oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh-”**

“Evidently not.”

 

Fixit fiddled with the advanced (and extremely complicated) hologram/form device that she had found with the key she needed. Stupid slaggin’ irritatin’ thing that only worked erratically…

…wait. Who was singing?

She got to her pedes, walking over to a hole in the wall that overlooked the rest of the roofless temple, and peered down at the long-suffering CadeCade and the duo serenading him.

_Apparently they didn’t listen when I told them to stay put…_ she thought sardonically, snickering quietly as Fritz and Miles began singing a love song, causing the cop car to twitch irritably. She had set up lights along the correct route and disabled all the traps in the light, just in case of this scenario.

_…well, either that or Miles and Fritz got bored, and Barricade decided to find me in an attempt to preserve what’s left of his sanity._

_Either way, they still disobeyed my orders…which means it’s time to punish them._

Fixit cackled softly, stroking the holo-emitter possessively.

 

Barricade paused.

Miles and Frenzy continued singing ‘It’s a Small World After All,’ only to be cut off with a yelp as Cade scooped them up and plopped them down on his shoulders.

“What the frag, CadeCade-?!” Miles yelled as Fritz snarled something rather foul in Cybertronian.

The cruiser shushed them both, shifting around into a defensive position as a shadow slowly got bigger on the wall behind them. Fritz took his cue from Cade, skittering across to Miles, preparing to protect him if necessary. It grew larger and larger, soft scraping noises audible now that the shorties had stopped singing. The terrible trio all tensed as it came to the corner…

…and a tiny little four-legged metal form skittered into view. It tilted its tiny helm up, looking at them curiously with large blue-purple optics and a wide, currently closed, mouth.

“…aww, it’s so cute,” Miles cooed, relaxing and attempting to lean forward.

Attempting, because both Barricade and Frenzy had frozen in petrified horror.

He glanced curiously at them. “What’s up with you guys? Look at it, it’s tiny and adorable!”

They didn’t move a millimeter, nearly-white optics frozen upon the also-still little form.

 

Fixit snickered gleefully to herself as she controlled the holo-emitter attached to her arm.

Discreetly, she snapped a still-frame of Barricade and Fritz looking like deer in headlights. Yes, she was going to get so much blackmail from this!

 

The stare-off continued…and then the little silver form took a tiny step forwards.

Barricade bolted, swearing up a storm as a panicking Fritz attached himself to his partner’s neck, Miles sandwiched between them.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! SCRAPLET!!! FIXIT, SCRAPLET, RUN!!!”

“WE’RE G-GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

“WHAT THE FRAG!?” Miles yelped in confusion.

**“SCRAPLET!!!”**

 

Fixit had to mute her vocalizer so her boys wouldn’t hear her mad cackling. Yes! This was going to be so much fun!

 

Barricade was perched precariously on top of one of the temple walls, frantically scanning his surroundings constantly. Miles was stuck between his helm and Fritz, who was alternating scanning and shivering in utter terror.

“Oi-!”

**“SHHH!”** they hushed him desperately.

He scowled at them. “Okay, fine,” he whispered. “I’ll be quiet. Now why the slag are you guys so afraid of a tiny little-”

“S-s-s-crap-plet-t,” Fritz whimpered.

“What!? Where!?” Barricade hissed, twitching madly with paranoia.

“Oh will you stop!? It’s nowhere near here! Now why are big bad Decepticon warriors scared of a tiny little scraplet!?”

Fritz shivered, only incoherent gibberish coming out of his vocalizer.

Seeing this, Barricade began to hesitantly explain, even as he continued to anxiously scan his surroundings. “S-scraplets are similar to the plagues of Earth locusts described in some of your legends…only much, much w-worse.”

The two cybertronians shuddered in unison, a pitiful whine escaping Fritz.

“T-they eat everything, but are especially f-fond of…l-living m-metal...aka, u-us.”

“Wait, they eat cybertronians? But it’s so tiny and you’re so big!”

“Where there’s one scraplet, t-there’s always a s-s-swarm. And they can d-devour a bot w-whole in, in k-klicks…I’ve s-seen it h-happen before…”

Miles stared in astonishment as Barricade- tough, grumpy, jaded, hard-aft Barricade- almost broke down sobbing in fear of tiny little scraplets the size of a Chihuahua!

 

Fixit watched quietly as her son attempted to comfort his cybertronian friends.

…okay, now she was starting to feel guilty…

…but the guilt was overridden by the sheer amount of fun she was having by messing with them like this!

Hey, she never claimed to be a nice person. She was a successful (and terrifying) Con for a reason.

That being said, CadeCade and Fritz were good allies, even friends now, and dragging this out too long would only alienate them. So, time to wrap it up!

 

“…you know, you make a horrible bird of prey, CadeCade…”

The terrible trio’s attention shot to the blue-and-purple Eradicon leaning casually against the wall on the opposite side of the corridor.

**“FIXIT!!!”** they all cried in relief as Barricade lurched off his perch, landing haphazardly. He immediately launched himself over to her, grabbing her arm and literally dragging her behind him as he sprinted for the exit.

“Wha-? Barricade, slow down- WHOA THERE, BIG GUY!”

They stumbled to a halt as Fixit dug her pedes into the ground, barely staying upright.

“No no no, we need to go now!” the cop car panicked, trying to get her moving again.

“F-Fixy, needneed move now!”

“Mom, we seriously need to run!”

“Not until you tell me why!”

“SCRAPLETS! THERE’S SCRAPLETS INSIDE THE FRAGGIN’ TEMPLE, YOU IDIOTIC FEMME! NOW MOVE!!!”

“Wait, scrap-? Oh, you mean the holoforms built into the defenses that I accidentally activated?”

The terrified trio all froze. Slowly, they turned to stare at the slightly-sheepish Eradicon.

“…what.” Barricade said flatly.

“…there might have been a security system I accidentally tripped that made solid holoforms of scraplets to wander around the temple?”

“…”

“…”

“…so there’s really no scraplets.”

“…nope.”

“…”

“…”

“...OH THANK PRIMUS!!!” Cade wailed, sinking to his knees in exhausted relief. Fritz went limp on his shoulder, and would’ve fallen off were it not for Miles catching him just in time.

Fixit had a very hard time not laughing aloud.

 

“We’ve got everything, right?”

“Y-yes, carrier,” Fritz snarked, more than ready to leave. Although the threat had been proven to be non-existent, none of the terrible trio had wanted to stick around any longer than necessary, and had packed up their stuff in record time.

“Yeah Mom, we’re good. Let’s get out of here and get that sombrero!”

She chuckled, her deep voice reverberating around the cavern as she helped her son into her cockpit, sealing it once he was inside.

“Finally,” Barricade muttered, moving to the water’s edge even as he kept a wary optic on the temple. “Hurry up.”

“I’m comin’, I’m comin’…”

“To sombreros!” Fritz cheered as he latched onto his partner, making sure he wouldn’t lose his grip in the dark, confusing, cold submerged tunnels. 

Fixit got to the water’s edge…and Barricade froze, optics wide and locked on a point behind her shoulder and wings.

“…Fixit?” he asked carefully.

“Yes?”

“…you said you destroyed the holo-defenses, right?”

“…yeah.”

“…so it can’t make any more images of scraplets?”

“…no. Why?”

He pointed shakily. She turned to look…

…and froze at the sight of the swarm of actual scraplets, sitting in the entrance of the temple, watching them hungrily.

They shared a slow glance…and then made a mad break for the underwater tunnel, the starving scraplets swarming over the ground after them.

**“FRAGGIT!!!”**


	13. Poltergeists' Shadow Army

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set before Chapter 6 of Guardian Devil, but after Mexico.

“Why the frag are we in Mexico again!?” Barricade twitched anxiously as they passed the border. He had taken a rather strong dislike to Mexico after their little trip to the Mayan Temple full of scraplets. 

And so had Fritz. “N-noooooo!!!” he wailed dramatically, clinging to the rather exasperated Fixit, who was sitting in Cade’s back seat in her human alt. Miles, who was sitting on Fritz’s other side, patted his solid light disguised shoulder sympathetically.

The albino rolled her eyes even as she sent their destination to CadeCade. “Oh, honestly! You’re fine! We’re just going to investigate some suspicious rumors of some strange-sounding Chupacabras, not going to encounter more scraplets-”

**“SCRAPLETS!?!”** Cade and Fritz yelped in unison, Barricade swerving on the road dangerously.

**“THERE’S NO SCRAPLETS!!!”** Miles and Fixit roared in unison, thoroughly fed up with the panicking. It had been amusing at first, but now it was just irritating. 

And sad. 

But mostly irritating.

“Just…drive,” the woman groaned, rubbing her head. She just knew this was going to end in disaster somehow, but…she really needed to clean up those loose ends.

Stupid mutated Cacti. Why couldn’t they have let her know she and Miles didn’t obliterate all of them the first time!? 

Honestly. So inconsiderate…

But why were they disguising themselves as Chupacabras?

 

“…hey Mom?”

“Yes, Pit-spawn?”

“…isn’t this around where we fought those mutated Cacti?” Miles eyed the tiny ghost town surrounding Barricade’s alt-mode warily.

“Yes. Yes it is.”

The Terrible Trio all turned to look at the scarily serene albino, who was now sitting in the passenger seat.

“I vote we turn back immediately,” Cade declared promptly.

**“Agreed!!!”** the shorties chorused quickly.

Fixit shrugged easily. “If you want to, sure. Go ahead.”

Barricade skidded to a sudden halt as their wariness increased. Who the slag was this imposter and where was Fixit!?

“But I’ll be staying here, and I might’ve sorta told Judy to ignite the Fruity Pit of Hell if anyone came back without me…but you know, it’s your choice.”

…aaaand the real Fixit was back. 

Barricade’s holoform scowled at her as he started moving again, ignoring the shorties loudly bemoaning their doomed state in the backseat. “You are an evil, cruel femme,” he spat.

The albino snorted. “Like you’d follow my orders if I wasn’t. And we’re here, by the way.”

Cade stopped again. “You couldn’t have told me that before I started moving again?!”

“I could’ve. But where’s the fun in that?” Tuning out the snarling ex-Con (ooo, someone had been listening to her again. His vocabulary was growing by leaps and bounds), Fixit turned to face the two drama queens in the back seat. “Miles.”

The blond cut himself off in the middle of his melodrama, straightening at her serious tone. “Mom?”

“Fill in CadeCade and Fritz whilst I scout out the area. Do not, I repeat, do not leave this spot unless you must to prevent damage to yourselves or I tell you to. Am I understood?” she directed the latter half of the statement to the entirety of the group.

Barricade gave her a nod, even though he was still glowering.

Miles saluted her. “Ma’am yes ma’am!”

Fritz snapped off a salute too. Just a different kind of one. “J-jawol, m-mein Fürher-r!”

He received three different slaps upside the helm at once.

 

“S-so on s-scal-le of-f one t-to F-Fixy, how-w ba-ad is it-t?” Fritz inquired hesitantly as Fixit disappeared between a pair of buildings.

Miles considered it seriously. “Hmm…probably about a seven and a Twizzler.”

Cade and Fritz winced in unison. “I thought Fixit was adamant about keeping you away from things that bad,” the re-painted cruiser frowned.

The blond waved his hand in a back-and-forth motion. “…usually, yes. But I was kind of involved in this one from the start, and…yeah.”

The disguised mechs gave him identical deadpan stares. “T-tot-tally My-My’s fault-t, in-nit?”

He blushed. “How was I supposed to know it was the giant red button I wasn’t supposed to push!?”

Cade’s expression got even flatter, somehow. Especially when Fritz nodded in comprehension, actually agreeing. 

“You two do realize the red button cliché is present in a majority of the movies you two binge-watch on a regular basis, right?”

The cruiser received only blank stares in exchange. He valiantly resisted the urge to throttle them.

“But…button. It’s made to be pressed,” Miles said slowly, like he was stating the obvious to someone ridiculously slow.

“D-duh,” Fritz added.

…right, frag restraint. He was going to murder them.

 

The door opened and Fixit slipped back in, only to pause halfway into her seat. She cocked a brow at the scene, glancing back outside at the blue puddle on the ground before returning her gaze. “…was there something I missed?”

“Nope! Everything’s just fine,” Barricade replied with a slightly manic grin. “So, how’d it go?”

The albino blinked blankly at the two silently pleading duct-taped Smurfs in the cruiser’s backseat for a moment longer before dismissing them and turning to consult with the eerily happy mech about the tunnel network she’d found. 

After all, it was their own fault if they pushed poor CadeCade too far. The entire point of bringing them on this trip was to make them (*cough*Miles*cough*) take responsibility for their (his) own messes. Fixit wouldn’t be around forever, after all…

 

Cade scowled. He was following along the surface whilst his boss, partner, and charge were exploring the tunnels underneath. Stupid slagging tunnels that were too tiny to fit his real form…

 

Miles (who was still Smurf blue) frowned thoughtfully as he followed Fixit down the tunnel, Fritz-Smurf guarding their backs. “…hey Mom?”

The albino hummed softly to show she was listening, keeping her eyes firmly forwards towards the darkness. She and Fritz didn’t need light, being cybertronian, so Miles was the only one wearing the special goggles. (There wasn’t any light in the tunnels, so traditional night vision goggles wouldn’t work, forcing the Eradicon to make up a special pair.)

“If you think it’s the Cacti that’re causing trouble, why did we come out here to investigate rumors of Chupacabras?”

“That, my Pit-spawn, is a very good question.”

 

Barricade rolled along the ground. Part of his attention was devoted to following Fixit’s signal, part to navigating…and part to his ongoing Halo Capture the Flag game. He was bored out of his processor, alright?

Hah! Got their flag! Suck it, Blue!

The cruiser was so busy gloating online that he failed to notice the cacti population had grown significantly in the last minute.

 

Fixit scowled down at the strange tracks on the floor of the tunnel. They didn’t match what she knew the Cacti tracks looked like…

Maybe there was something to those Chupacabra rumors after all?

 

Cade went back to the game Lobby…and paused, turning his attention back to his surroundings. Something was different…

…where did all the cacti come from? And why were some of them wearing bandoliers…and toting…guns…

…oh.

The Cacti suddenly grinned at the cruiser, showing off giant mouthfuls of sharp shark teeth.

…frag.

 

“FIXIT!!!”

The albino jumped at Barricade’s sudden bellow over the comm.

“Barricade?! What’s-!?”

“YOU FAILED TO MENTION THE CACTI COULD MOVE AND SHOOT PEOPLE!!! AND WHAT THE FRAG IS WITH THE STUPID SOMBREROS AND FAKE MUSTACHES!?!”

Fixit turned to glare at the cringing teen behind her.

“…I didn’t get to fully brief them before we pissed Cade off?” Miles offered sheepishly.

She scowled even as she relayed instructions to the cruiser. “Their weak spot is usually located right around the mustache. And whatever you do, don’t hit the sombrero.”

There was an explosion above them. Dirt showered down on the three explorers.

“…”

“…you just hit a sombrero, didn’t you.”

“…what kind of moron wears an exploding hat!?”

Fixit groaned in exasperation as Miles cringed further. “Ask Miles, he’s the one who started that fad.”

“I thought it would help you take them out easier!” the blond protested.

“And instead, you introduced them to the concept of suicide bombers. Bravo.”

“YOU’RE THE REASON THEY KEEP KAMIKAZE-ING ME!?!” Barricade roared over the line to his mortified charge. “I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU AFTER THIS, YOU FRAGGER!!!”

“I didn’t mean to!” he wailed.

Fritz shifted slightly behind Miles so he was covering him better, catching Fixit’s attention.

“Frtiz?” she asked warily, tuning out the death threats and apologetic wailing. “What’s up?”

“D-dunno, b-but k-keep seeing-g s-something m-move behind-d us-s…” he stepped back slightly, shifting into a more combat-ready position. “T-thought was-s just-t t-trick of light-t, b-but…”

Fixit moved slightly to get a better view of the tunnel behind Fritz when a soft sound behind her caught her attention. She whirled around, barely catching a glimpse of a small shadow ducking down a side tunnel up ahead. Her red eyes narrowed. She took a careful step forwards…

…and Barricade abruptly stopped yelling, leaving a ringing silence behind in their ears.

“Barricade!? What’s wrong?!”

 

“Cade! Status report!”

The cruiser heard his companions clamoring for his attention over the comm, but he didn’t dare do anything. The Cacti surrounding and slowly closing in on him were looking particularly smug, a small portion of him noted. But such concerns were irrelevant right now. After all, the true threat was sitting in front of him, helm cocked to the side.

His nearly-white optics remained locked on the small form, even as he sent a frantic non-verbal comm to the Eradicon.

 

“Barricade!!!” Fixit snarled in frustration, aiming her rifle into the darkness as the swarm of little shadows kept growing. “Sitrep, now!”

Her comm pinged and she quickly brought up the message…

…only to freeze.

**:…scraplets.:**

The first little shadow, with its adorable optics, finally came close enough for her to see it.

“…fraggit.”

 

Looking back, Miles wasn’t exactly sure how they escaped. After Cade sent them that message, everything just went to the Pit all at once. 

Loudly. 

And colorfully.

After much screaming (Miles had no idea Cade could hit that high a note), swearing (Fixit was a bad influence and an excellent teacher), and liberal use of explosions (thank Primus the area had been uninhabited, because it didn’t really exist anymore)…somehow they all got away mostly intact.

Fixit was pretty much untouched, because she was just that sneaky ninja awesome.

Miles was mostly just blackened from explosion backlash. Although he did have a fair amount of coolant and Cacti guts in his hair.

Cade and Fritz were singed, covered in energon, coolant, and Cacti guts, with the occasional bite mark. 

And traumatized. 

So traumatized.

And then Fixit told them they had to go back.

**“ARE YOU INSANE!?!”**

“So you want to just let the threat go unchecked? To let them grow in strength and numbers until there’s no way anyone can stop them?”

Needless to say, they were not very happy with Fixit at the moment. Even if she did have a point.

 

:W-we all g-gonna d-die, w-we all g-gonna d-die, w-we all g-gonna d-die…: Fritz chanted quietly, shivering against Miles on Cade’s shoulder as the cruiser slunk around the other end of the freshly re-landscaped valley, setting traps so nothing could escape. Fixit was approaching from the main entrance to the valley, setting up those traps. She was much more sneaky on her own.

**:‘We either go out on our own terms, going down fighting, or we can die huddled in a corner in terror like a coward,’:** Cade quoted Fixit’s ‘motivational speech’ grimly. **:And I know she was baiting me- she didn’t really bother to hide it- but she has a point. I am not going to die a coward.:**

:…c-can Fritzy be c-coward-d?: Fritz asked tentatively, completely ignoring the fact that he helped talk Cade into doing this.

**:If I have to suffer, so do you,:** the cruiser snarled back.

Miles rolled his eyes as Fritz resumed his chanting. The blunette didn’t have an internal comm so he couldn’t contribute to the conversation, but he could read the text overlay Fixit had installed on his goggles so he wouldn’t be completely out of the loop.

 

The Eradicon ignored the chatter from the wimps as she ninja’ed her way into the Chupacabra/Cacti base camp. Using the local legends of Chupacabras to disguise the scraplets was a clever move; clearly, the Cacti had gotten sneakier. But what she really wanted to know was how the Cacti were controlling the scraplets, because they obviously hadn’t gotten smarter, based on their unchanged suicidal tactics.

Silently slipping back into her human alt., the albino squeezed down a small hole, landing in a tunnel. Pulling out her gun and carefully following the noise, she found a massive underground cavern filled to the brim with mutated Cacti. One that was clearly manmade, since there were convenient rafters for her to hide in.

Score.

Up on a raised stage at the other end of the cavern, a tall, scarred Cacti paced back-and-forth, waving his prickly arms dramatically as he babbled out incomprehensible gibberish. He was clearly making a speech, though, since the crowd was alternating between going nuts and attentive silence.

Fixit regretted not being able to understand the Cacti. He was clearly a brilliant public speaker.

Well, at least she had a recording now…

And when did the Cacti learn how to speak? Hmm...

 

Fixit snuck her way through the base, planting charges everywhere she went.

(She put extra charges around the scraplet pen, which was filled with scrap metal. She was impressed with the electro-shock leashes and collars the Cacti had come up with to control the scraplets, though. That was a good idea. Especially since, being organic, they didn’t have to worry about the tiny metal locusts going after them.)

She was almost done with the entire base…

…and then she stumbled across the nursery.

THE CACTI HAD FIGURED OUT HOW TO REPRODUCE!?!

…now she had to try diplomacy first, didn’t she?

Frag her life. And frag her weakness for sparklings of any species.

 

Barricade and Fritz swore in harmony when Fixit commed them about the change of plan.

Miles just got an idea.

 

The albino scowled over at her (still faintly-blue) son. “The second they make any move towards you-”

“No, Mom,” Miles cut her off, scowling over at her firmly. “Only if they actually hurt me.”

“But-!”

“Mom. This is my mess. I need to be the one to clean it up, and I can’t do that if you won’t let me.”

She scowled. “…I raised you too well, slaggit.”

The blunette’s mouth quirked. “Love you too, Mom.”

 

Miles bit his lip nervously as he walked forward in plain view. Barricade, Fritz, and Fixit were all hiding by the hills with snipers, each ready to cover the human should the Cacti not take kindly to his diplomatic efforts. But Miles was the only one who’d never actually killed any of the Cacti and he was, technically, the only reason they had managed to free themselves in the first place. If anyone had a chance of making this work, it was him.

A Cacti guard popped up out of nowhere, rifle aimed right at Miles’ heart. It snarled some gibberish at him, which the teen was going to take as ‘stop right there! Put your hands up!’

So he did just that.

The Cacti paused, staring at him blankly for a moment. Then it snarled again.

Miles took that to mean ‘down on your knees!’ Although he didn’t know why the guard didn’t just say it. The original (sane) Cacti that he'd talked to could easily speak both English and Spanish.

…aaand he was beginning to think this Cactus had never had anyone surrender to him before, judging by the near-physical aura of bewilderment coming off the guard in front of him.

He interlaced his hands and rested them on top of his head before craning his neck back to look up at the guard.

“Take me to your leader,” Miles said with a straight face.

He could hear Fritz snort, Cade groan, and Fixit sigh over the modified Bluetooth in his ear.

And Fritz thought he wouldn’t take the dare…

 

Miles and his guard had been joined by others after they had relocated to the shade. One of the guard’s superiors had noticed the blunette wasn’t doing too well in the heat when they had come out to interrogate him, and ordered him brought back to an abandoned building.

For giant, eight-foot tall Cacti wearing brightly-colored sombreros, they were surprisingly sneaky. He hadn’t seen them coming at all, and even Fixit had barely been able to see them.

Miles sat quietly inside the building (Fritz could see him through a window, which was the only reason Fixit hadn’t said to hell with it and killed everything) as the Cacti officers, marked by colorful belt-sashes, argued above him. Then the door opened…and the head honcho stalked in. Miles’ jaw dropped.

“Carlos!?”

The only sane and rational Cacti he had released did a double take. “Miles?”

 

Miles drank down the water offered him gratefully. He was perched on a tall table next to Carlos, who had scolded his men fiercely for ‘making their Deliverer suffer!’ Apparently, after helping Carlos escape and buying time for him to get the other vaguely-sane Cacti out of the labs, Miles had been elevated to near-deity status alongside Carlos, who led his people.

“It is good to see you again, mi amigo,” the tall, scarred Cacti said happily. “I believed you had perished in the labs!”

The teenager grinned back at him. “I almost did, but Mom managed to save me just in time.”

“Ah yes, the Diabla Blanca! She survived too, did she?”

Miles snorted. “Mom can survive anything. And she’s actually the one that discovered you guys again in the first place.”

“Hmm,” Carlos rippled his spikes in his version of a frown. “I am glad to see you again, mi amigo, don’t get me wrong, but it is worrying that the Diabla Blanca was able to find us. We have been trying very hard to stay unnoticed.”

“Mom can help with that. Would you like to talk to her?”

“It would be much appreciated, mi amigo.”

 

And so negotiations began. The Cacti were highly reluctant to get rid of their little metal pets, so Miles offered a compromise. They had to keep the scraplet population under a certain amount, only so many metal locusts for every Cacti, and in return they would get more knowledge on how to control and take care of their beloved pets.

(Miles didn’t notice how Fixit stepped back and let him handle most of it, but Carlos and several other Cacti did. When they received the explanation that the Diabla Blanca was training the teen to be her eventual heir, they asked if they could join GreenTech, so eventually they could work under their Deliverer. Fixit, being the shrewd, manipulative businesswoman she was, agreed instantly.)

The Cacti decided to relocate to some of Fixit’s Mexican properties, with additional Pacific islands open and available to them for future population growth. Miles talked his mom into reluctantly making groundbridges on each island, with the caveat that only their top governmental officials could authorize their use for anything except supply transportation, unless an emergency evacuation was required. The rest of the Cacti would have to make do with the three planes and the one private Mexican airstrip given to them.

The Cacti were also more than happy to help manufacture items for GreenTech in exchange for the land and pay. Some of the islands were immediately decided upon as farming only, which gave the Cacti a self-managed, dedicated food source.

The Cacti militia were also to be given occasional training from Fixit, Fritz, and Barricade. Supplies for their primarily defensive needs would have to be budgeted out of their pay from being written up as an official subsidiary of GreenTech. The true nature of the agreement was heavily disguised via much legalese, but essentially, the Cacti were now a separate branch of GreenTech, answerable only to the CEO.

Fixit took Carlos and some of his top military lieutenants aside whilst Miles waded his way through writing the paperwork with a couple other Cacti. She proposed to them a way for their top Special Forces personnel (or the equivalent thereof) to keep up with their training, once Fixit was satisfied they were good enough.

Carlos laughed and laughed when he realized what she was proposing. The only reason he and his advisors didn’t agree instantly was because they were too busy laughing.

And thus, the Poltergeists gained a great many shadow members. 

And a prickly, scarred Shadow King.

(Hence why Mastermind’s avatar always had a shadow behind it, and none of the others’ did.)

Hey, they were good, but getting everything done in a month? That required some help. 

Plus, as Shadow Minions and not official members of the Poltergeists, they could work all year round. Meaning when October rolled around and SK and his SM’s got a vacation whilst the Poltergeists worked, almost everything was done for them already.

As Baseball Bat put it when she was notified;

God Bless Their Underwear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the original Poltergeist members- Mastermind, Mama Bear, Coffee Freak, and Baseball Bat- will ever know about the shadow members. Everyone else just thinks the original members are magic.
> 
> Miles knows the Cacti exist, but he doesn’t know they also work for the Poltergeists.


End file.
